Hole

I feel like a little kid that just had one of their absolute favorite toys taken away. It was one of those toys that wasn't theirs to begin with, the had to steel it from a friend or sibling but none the less it was one of their favorite. They still had one of their toys that they didn't have to steel that was a favorite too but it was nothing compared to this other stolen favorite toy. It was their happiness. The reason they awoke in the morning to play. When they didn't have it, its what they longed for. The other toy was always there and yet still fun to play with and gave some satisfaction and happiness but nothing like the stolen toy. The stolen toy was one day taken back and they were told that they could no longer play with it anymore. That it just couldn't happen. The child had a hole. And thats all they thought about and longed for. That stolen special toy.

Thats how I feel right now. I know I can't or rather shouldn't have it... but I want it. I need it. But it wasn't mine to take. Not mine to have. I was told I couldn't have it... i went against that and got away with it for a while... then it was taken back. Now there is just this hole.

Its 4am I'm waking up to your purfume...

So, I've realized that I haven't posted in this in a while, and thats just because things have been good. The other day a friend told me that Today is always a good day. Yesturday can be bad, but today is always good. And if you think about that and don't tell yourself its a bad day, then it'll be good. So thats what I've been doing and its been good. I've also stopped trying to figure things out. Which I think is ultimatly why I've stopped writting in here so much. I went out with Dave the other night. We saw Mall Cop. Worse movie ever. Don't waste your money. Seriously. But he was sweet and super nice so it was fun. I have no idea if it'll happen again but thats another day. I'm just dealing with the present. The future is hard to figure out so I'm not going to.

Tonights a Night of Change

As I sit here in this empty room sometime after midnight I think. I think about all that has been given to me. I think about everything in this life that make me happy and make me sad. I think about how I haven't been true to myself. I think about how I give up too easily. I think about how low I think about myself. I think about how I think I need someone to complete me. I think about my family, my friends, my enemies. I think about all the people I have helped and all the people who have helped me. I think about my roommates. I think about the stars, and the sky. I think about my goals, my dreams. I sit here listening to music with cartoons on the TV realizing all I've missed and all I haven't. I think about what I did to myself. I think about how to change my life.

I've been told all my life to reach for the stars. That I'll always be able to reach my goals. But can I really reach my goals. All my life I would say I wanted to do something and then quit. Thats me. I quit. When something started to get hard I would quit. I quit field hockey because of the bitch coach. I wanted to quit marching band because it was HORRIBLE. I quit dance. I always had good inntentions though. I have a motorcycle. I wanted to race dirttrack. That never has happened. I have a punching bag and was going to get into using that. That never happened. I have a guitar and wanted to learn to play that. That never happened. Its always been that way. Well right now I am changing that around.

I don't want to real. I want something to actually live for. Something to make my days go by. I want to be part of some team or sport. I want to live a happy and healthy life, and tonight I take that stand and make that promise. I am going to start living my life as if it were my last day. I want to be able to love like I've never loved before. I want to dance like no one is watching. I want to be real and be me.

My sun is shinning, is yours?

So on Friday I realized that I had to try really hard to make myself unhappy, and that maybe I would just be better if I stopped trying to make my day be how I wanted it to be. And after I let it all go and stopped being miserable and grumpy I realized the day wasn't bad at all. I got up and actually put myself in a good mood. We ordered chinese that night and watched movies. I fell asleep on Joe haha. But ultimatly it was a good time. Saturday came, and well I wasn't all chipper and amazing but I definitly wasn't upset. I was just whatever not in a good mood or bad, just kinda complacent. It was nice. And even now I am the same way, just taking it a day at a time and doing what makes me happy. So ultimatly I am better. So I've decided to ultimatly just stop attempting to be upset and just go with it and be happy.


So I have a question... Have you ever met someone that makes you so happy that even if the sun isnt shining it seems as if it is? Someone that'll show you that you don't need anything else to be happy? That just being yourself is the best you can do?
I think I may have found him...but I'm not sure yet. I'm just trying to take things as they come and figure out what i want.

I don't even have a title for this...

Ok, So I've been trying to forget about all this mess running around in my head. The thing is, it really isn't such a huge mess anymore. It actually somewhat makes sense, which kinda scares me. I don't really like the outcome yet everything is seeming to make more sense. I wish someone could just tell me what to do, that I didn't have to decide. They could just say do this, and it'll work, and you'll be happy. Thats just ultimatly what I want. I want to be happy. And it scares me that I think I need someone else in my life to make me happy. But its true. I need to feel needed. I need to feel wanted. Thats just how I feel. I need someone else to make me see that I truly can be happy. Because right now I'm anything but happy. I think today is the lowest of all these days too. Nothing is going right. My head hurts soo much, my ankle is killing me from volleyball and well my wrist kinda hurts too becuase I didn't take advil before class. And to top it all off I have a 6 hour lab tonight with people I less then like. It is going to be horrible. I want to crawl into my bed and sleep until tomorrow and hope that it is a better day. I can't stand this. I hate not being happy or at least being able to hide that I'm not happy. I just want this to be over with... I want all to be good. I want out of my own head... I want out of this body... I want out of this world... Ok not really but for right now that would be nice. I wish I could just travel to a place thats happy and nothing matter and nothing is wrong. I want to get out of all of this... I guess its not so much that I need someone... I just want to be happy. And like in certain circumstances I am happy...but it never lasts... Its just a short glimps of it. Its like just showing me that its still there. So I dont loose all hope.

So on top of all that, I feel horrible today. I don't want to do anything, I have no motivation. When I get back from lab I'll probably just take my shower and crash. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.... I think i'm going to bloomsburg to hang out with a friend so lets hope that'll be fun. ugh

Prisoner

I'm not sure what I want out of my actions. I do things and then realize that I'm not sure where i want them to head yet I've already started blindly walking down that path. I've realized now where I'm heading but I feel like I need to turn around and run back. All the way to the beginning. But then that would just be running away from everything I've done. I always tend to stick my foot in my mouth after I speak. Do I really want to go down this path, or am I just going this way because there is someone that'll walk with me. If he didn't go along with what I was saying and didn't help me get to this path I wouldn't have walked down it. So is it my fault or his? Did I start down this path and find out that if I tried he would come along, or did he make me start down it? I'm not sure. Its like a part of me wants this to happen.. I want to see where it'll go. I want to see into things deeper. But then I know where things are going to go, and how they will most likely end up and I don't want that. So there comes the dillema as to what I should do. Because even though a part of me is walking down this path, another part of me is heading down a different road with someone else, someone more suitable for the walk. It really comes down to me wanting to make a difference in someones life. Wanting to help them become what they want to become. I see so much potential. But will he be willing to take my help? Will he see it as help or will he think more of it? How can I know unless I try. But do I want to try and then completely dissapear from the road with that other person? I'm confused and getting lost with these different roads. I never know which one I'm suposed to be on. Who wants my company, or who needs it. My mind is one huge corn maze that I'm wondering around in, trying to find my way out. I just want out, to not have to deal with this. I don't want to think about this anymore. I just want to be happy. But the more I want to be happy and to be done the more I wander around and get lost more. And then there are those days where I just stop and try to forget about it. I sit down and just take it as it is. But then I find myself wondering what it is like when I find my way out. I want to know that feeling of being free from myself. I'm a prisoner in my own mind. And I'm the one that put myself there. I don't like being a prisoner. I don't want to be trapped inside my own mind. I want out, to be done. I wish it was that easy to just waze the white flag... call a truce. I give up! But do I want to give up? Can I give up? NO of course not. I can't just sit back and be like whatever I'm done. I've tried that too much. Of course I can't. I'm a prisoner of myself and I don't know how to get out

My Appology

So I realize this is two posts in one day, but I just feel like writing again.

First off, Christina was crazy for getting me into this... this is like an addiction kinda. Its the only way I feel like I can make sense of my head.

But anyways, I've been thinking, and for some reason I have been really uptight about things lately. I don't like being like that or being stressed out. I guess the stress just comes with the beginning of a new semester where I just need to get use to the work load and my schedule. I am doing better at adjusting to it but its going to take another week or so. Secondly I just want to say that I let things get to me too much and wrote/spoke without thinking. I am going to try to just be relaxed and go with things. Thats who I am and I let that part of me get away. I'm ready to let this exra stress go. This layer that has been added purly by me. I'm letting it all go.

So I guess this is just to say sorry to everyone I've been a bit testy with. Every once in a while I get like this. I let myself get this far last semester and it wasn't good. I pushed people away that I wanted to be close with. I let things get to me. Well I've realized that I am starting that again and I don't want that. I just want to have fun, hang with friends, and have a good time. So I am sorry if anyone took what I said previously the wrong way.

This is ME

So today in my interpersonal communications class I realized something that I think I might start to try a little bit. I'm not sure if it is going to work because its going to take some major changing on my part. Like she said something that like everyone knows, but it takes someone else saying it and putting meaning behind it for you to really be like wow... maybe I should try things differently. Well anyways she said that no matter if you apologize for things you say without thinking that person will still hold them against you, its just human nature. Well we all know that like things I say are taken wrong a lot. I mean I am like 99% joking but still like I've realized that some people just don't know how to take it. I mean some days I forget how to take peoples sarcasm too. It just depends on the day, my mood, and just everything. I don't want to completely change who I am, but it seems to be that more people have started to verbalize or just show that they have problems with it. And like a great part of my wants to just say screw them if they don't like who I am well then they don't have to hang out with me. But thats not always a good solution. I've found that when you truly understand a person, and they understand you things go a lot more smoothly. I also found that sometimes when I say things and people get mad, its not always what I say, its just that they didn't want to hear that and it was just that that pushed their buttons... not really what I said, just the fact that I said it. Idk if you understand that but yea. I also have been told that I talk in circles. I dont think I can stop doing that or at least people seem to understand what I mean so thats not a problem. I also seem to be having a problem lately with people acting too old for their age. Like we're 18, live your life, have fun, stick to your beliefs but have fun. It really has been getting to me when people tell me that everything I do is wrong, what I say is wrong, and that nothing I do is right. Everything is always MY fault. That seems to really be getting to me A LOT. Also the fact that people expect things to be perfect. Well first off, we are in college living in a dorm. Of course there are going to be things that not everyone likes. But you can't do anything about it. Its just how it is. You have to learn to live with it and get over it. There are going to be people around that you don't like, people are going to do things that you don't approve of. Its just how it is. Live YOUR life, worry about YOURSELF, and every once in a while give your piece of mind to some friends, but don't push it in their face unless they are doing something to severly harm themselves. Like its ok to speak your mind, but if they aren't going to listen then theres nothing you can really do about it. I've also realized that some peoples pet peeves drive me up the wall its crazy. I'm trying so hard to just let me be, but I'm not sure how much more I can take without bitting my tongue. That was never something I was good at. I speak my mind. I tell people how it is. Sometimes thats not always good, but its how I am. Its a part of me. If you don't like it then don't be friends with me. There really isnt much more to it.

Today

So today has been a long day, and now I can't sleep even tho I do have math at 8 tomorrow morning. I woke up early to go get breakfast with my roommates it wasn't that great. It was cold outside and I was wearing yoga pants (not such a great idea). Then I came back and feel asleep until 11ish becuase I had baking lecture at 12... that class isn't horrible... but its not the easiest to sit through... yes I LOVE to bake.. but seriously lecture sucks...Then I had volleyball... It was good. I actually played better then usual. And I stretched before so I didn't kill my ankle and my wrist seems to be better too which is a major plus... then I came back and just sat around for a while until I had to get ready and go to Lab. 6 hours of lab with some pretty... special people if you know what I mean. Its quite a drag. For 2 hours we sat there learning how to use a balance scale and go over mindless things. I can' wait until we actually start doing hardcore baking. I live to bake... I'm so glad I changed my major. But yea.. then after lab I came back.. called a friend back.. It was nice to talk to her... It actually kinda made my night. I never felt like I was really that close with my friends from home. Like yes we would hang out but like we never really did alot. I always seemed to be kinda left out. So its definitly nice to feel like we are having a better connection.

Ok well now on to other things... So i've been talking alot to this guy. Hes nice but definitly has a lot of problems. Like first off.. he is 25 which i mean i don't have a problem with, but he lives alone drinks ALOT and smokes pot becuase he is bored. I enjoy talking to him tho. I feel like he needs me in his life because he has no one and i know how it feels to have no one. it sucks. He wants so much to be a good person he just doens't have anyone there for him. He took on this lifestyle but doesn't know how to get out of it. I really do feel for him. I think we might hang out and do something and I'm actually kinda excited, yet extremly nervous. I mean I know how he is and i dont want him to force me into anything, and I also don't trust myself enough to not get caught up in the moment. So I'm really going to have to do some deep searching to make myself stay where I want to be at. The other thing is tho, that i don't think i really want to start a relationship with this guy... like being friends is great but i'm not sure i want it to go further then that. I mean I guess i'll just have to wait and see...

But the other problem is that there is this other guy, he is soo nice, and like honestly i haven't ever met a guy like him ever before. He makes me smile alot, and i enjoy being around him. But I made a promise and I really truly want to keep this promise but idk if i can. I mean its only been like 2 weeks so of course nothing is going to happen like right away. that would be way to fast. but idk i kinda want to see where things end up.. like he might just end up being the best friend i've ever had. i mean he understands things so well. i love it.. and he has a great personality. idk i'm trying to just be okay with myself and where things are right now so that hopefully one day someone will find me instead of me having to find them. I'm sick of trying to search for people. It doens't work out real well.

i'm also debating as to whether i should invite more people to this blog or not... like it would be a great way to keep in touch but idk if they have an account or would even be interested and then they would problably be like "what the hell brittany! whats this thing you sent me?" so then they would make me feel stupid. so i'm really debating on that. idk i'll have to think about it.

oh to end this on a good note.... i e-mailed one of the chefs today to ask about possibly setting up an interveiw to go to the kentucky derby. I really was trying to figure out if i really did want to go or not but i think i do.. i'm not sure tho. so i'll at least try to interveiw and if i don't get offered a spot then i'll try again next year. I mean its still a great way to practice interveiwing and well its a great experience that i would be passing up... i'm pretty excited that i decided to go along and do it... i was really nervous... i still am nervous.

You hardly even notice when I try to show you

So I have decided that since I do actually have this thing I might as well as write in it. So this semester is going to be a lot harder then last semester. I actually have work in my classes and homework and stuff. I also have a full schedule so that makes it worse. I am tired all the time too. It sucks alot. I was going to try to go to the gym 3 days a week... but that has yet to happen. I really need to tho becuase i need to strengthen my ankle because i have volleyball as a class and yea it definitly kills my ankle for some reason. I definitly love being back tho despite the school work. I missed everyone too much. Especially Christina. Like wow... idk how I survived a month without her. It sucked.

Also, being back at school brings on the many problems. So I had a big fight with my friend Kevin. We talked it out and are actually getting along really well now which is nice. I like being able to hang out with him without fighting. I also seemed to have done/said something to make my friend Adam mad. I don't kno exactly what I said, and he wont even tell me that he is mad so thats really bothering me. I like try to please everyone. It definitly brings me down a lot tho. Also, Kevin always stops in here whenever he gets back.. and hes been kinda a bit more distant since our fight. I mean its not a huge thing, its just different and idk if I like it. I'm also a bit stressed right now with people. Like every little thing is getting to me. Its making me be alot more edgy and I don't think I like that. It also sucks that my friend Nikki isn't here anymore. I definitly miss her A LOT!!! Its crazy.

Well I can't get my thoughts straight to write them down so that is it for now I supose